The Single Life-Up and Down

The past year has been up and down for me.  I have been dating again which has been good.  I didn’t realize how much I missed dating life.  It isn’t always easy and things don’t always work out like I hope but at least I am trying again.  I had given up for about 10 years because I decided that I was too old to be dating, I wasn’t feeling very good about myself and I didn’t think there was even a chance of meeting someone.  But a wise friend told me to never give up.  As you may remember from one of my former posts I talked about trying out online dating.  Since that post I have been out with 5 different men. At this time none of those have turned in to a relationship and that has been a little hard for me.  However, I have learned a lot from each of them and I am not giving up hope.  I have learned again what I am looking for in a future husband and I have also learned to love myself again.  There is a saying that says you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.  There have been several times in my life where I was not happy with myself and did not love myself.  I didn’t feel beautiful or worth being with anyone.  My self-esteem was really low if almost non-existent for a time.  Little by little each of these dating experiences has changed how I feel about myself and I have learned that I am a strong, smart and beautiful woman with a lot to offer.  I don’t mean that to sound prideful or boastful but if you knew how low I felt for several years you would know how far I have come.  It just goes to show that sometimes words can hurt.  So since August of last year I have been growing and trying to improve myself and be brave in my dating life.  Right now I am currently not dating anyone.  I needed to take a break because the last “relationship” was a bit of a heart breaker for me.  My heart needs to heal and trust that I will meet someone who cares about me as much as I care about him.     

 

The Single Life - Online Dating Sites

Dating in the modern world sure is different.  I decided to give in and try some online dating again.  I was on LDS Singles online about 4 years ago and did not have any luck.  A friend at work told me about a new dating app called Tinder.  It sounded like fun so I thought I would try it out.  I met a couple guys and went out on a few dates.  It was fun to be dating again.  Unfortunately these were not the type of guys that would be potential future partners for me.  Tinder seemed to be more of a hook up site.  I was cautious about the guys I spoke to and actually met.  The two I did date were respectful but our values just didn't match in the end.  I have decided that I want to try LDS Singles Online again.  I really want a man who shares the same values as I do and who is an active LDS man.  After dating a couple non-members I realized just how important the church is to me. We will see how it goes.  I never thought I would be doing online dating but I know many people who have met their future spouse this way so I thought I would give it a try.

I don't like to admit this but I hadn't been on a date in almost 8 years as of September 2013.  I guess I just gave up and decided I was fine being single.  I enjoyed my life for the most part but I felt like something was always missing.  It has been fun to be back out in the dating world this past year and even though I still haven't met my future spouse at least I am socializing again.  I have learned a lot about myself this past year and dating has helped me grow in many ways.  It has been a good experience this time around.

The Single Life - Children

One of the hardest parts of being single at 40 is that I have not had the opportunity to have children.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I love being around children.  They are happy and full of life. Plus I am still a child at heart. Luckily I have had many opportunities in my life to be surrounded by children of all ages.  I have taught in Primary at my church.  My favorite age groups have been when I taught the 5 year old class and now the 7 and 8 year old class.  It is such a joy to be around children who know that our Father in Heaven loves them.  They love to learn and just want to be loved.

I have also been lucky to be an aunt.  I have a 10 year old nephew, 7 year old niece and 10 month old niece.  They are my life.  I love them as if they were my own.  When my nephew was born I had Wednesday's off from work and he would come over almost every Wednesday to play with my mom and I.  I really got close to him. He gave me my first nickname.  He called me ChiChi (pronounced  cheechee) for the first three years.  He stopped suddenly one day and started calling me Lisa. I miss my nickname.  He calls me ChiChi once in a while and it always makes me smile when he says it.  We are still extremely close.  We enjoy playing video games together and he talks to me about all of the books he has read.  My niece is my mini me.  She looks a lot like me and often when we are together people think she is my daughter.  She is quick to say I am actually her aunt and it is a compliment.  Just this week she told me I was her BFF (best friend forever).  We love to talk about Disney princesses, play Fairy games and sing songs together.  I haven't had as much time to spend with my new niece but I know I will as she gets older.  She is a doll.  She just learned to crawl and she recognizes me when she sees me now. 

Even though I have not had the chance to have children of my own I have been blessed to have children in my life.  I have come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to have a biological child.  I am getting older and my illness (PCOS) could also complicate things if I were to get married and try to have a child.  I hope that one day if I do have the opportunity to be married that either he will have children that I can love as my own or that we can adopt a child who needs a family.  Regardless I have children in my life that I love, who have blessed my life and who I can also bless and nurture in other ways. 

The Single Life-Change in Plans

As many of you know I am single.  Never been married, never been engaged (close but not officially), never had children and most of the time I am okay with it.  I don’t mind being on my own.  I don’t mind doing things alone.  I lived entirely on my own for 3 years and loved it.  Yes I got lonely and yes I had a couple nights where I was anxious but for the most part I loved living by myself.   For the past two years I have lived with my parents and two of my siblings again.  It hasn’t been all that bad but I really miss my apartment.  My private life. 

The one thing about being single that has been the hardest are all of the plans I had made for my future life as a young adult.  I imagined a family having FHE nights and going on little vacations together.  I imagined creating our own holiday traditions and preparing for the school year each year.  I thought of story time before bed each night.  Preparing dinner together as a family and eating together most nights as we talked about the day with each other.  First day of school photos, Christmas morning in our pajamas, birthdays and fun little surprises just because.  It has been hard to create a new life without all of those dreams.  I have had to come to accept the fact that I am 40 and single.  I may never be a wife or a mother so those dreams may never happen.  People who have never been in my place do not understand how difficult this is.  They will say they understand but they really don’t.  It is not easy in a world where you are surrounded by families.  When the religion you belong to emphasis family as the most important part of life.  Yes I have a family.  I have parent and siblings but I may never have a family of my own.  I may never have a husband and children of my own and I may never have grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I often feel lost and worthless during these lessons and discussions. 

So what do you do when all of your dreams are shattered or stalled.  You create new dreams.  This is where I have struggled for several years.  As a child and young woman all of my dreams involved being a wife and a mother.  I never wanted to be a career woman.  To be honest I didn’t want to work outside of the home.  I wanted my job to be cooking, taking care of the house and raising a family.   I went ahead and got my Associates Degree.  I had to work to pay my bills.  After getting my degree I was still single so I decided to choose something where I could make some more money.  Medicine always fascinated me but I did not want to be a nurse or doctor.  I chose to work on the Administration side.  I went back to school and got my Medical Administration certificate.  I have been in this field for 16 years now.   I enjoy it.  My job is not hard.  It is flexible and unique.  However, it is just a job.  I go to work at the same place every day and basically do the same thing day in and day out.  I needed an outlet where I could have fun.  The first 10 years after graduating from high school were full because I was part of two great singles wards.  I had many friends.  I watched as most of them got married and started families. I still hoped I would have that opportunity.  At age 32 I was kicked out of the young single adult ward.  Too old and not married! I moved back in with my parents briefly and attended the family ward.  I felt so lost.  People don’t know what to do or what to say to someone who is single at 32 and living with their parents.  I decided I needed to move out on my own.  I finally had the opportunity to do just that and lived on my own for three years.  Two years ago I moved back to my parents to help my mom while she went through cancer treatments.  So now at 40 I am still at home with my parents and again I am feeling lost so I am back to creating new dreams and making new plans.  This is the next part of my journey and as I travel life in the single world I hope to share bits and pieces of that life with anyone who wants to listen and read.  I hope I can be an example and inspiration to someone who is in the same place as I am right now.