The Single Life-Change in Plans

As many of you know I am single.  Never been married, never been engaged (close but not officially), never had children and most of the time I am okay with it.  I don’t mind being on my own.  I don’t mind doing things alone.  I lived entirely on my own for 3 years and loved it.  Yes I got lonely and yes I had a couple nights where I was anxious but for the most part I loved living by myself.   For the past two years I have lived with my parents and two of my siblings again.  It hasn’t been all that bad but I really miss my apartment.  My private life. 

The one thing about being single that has been the hardest are all of the plans I had made for my future life as a young adult.  I imagined a family having FHE nights and going on little vacations together.  I imagined creating our own holiday traditions and preparing for the school year each year.  I thought of story time before bed each night.  Preparing dinner together as a family and eating together most nights as we talked about the day with each other.  First day of school photos, Christmas morning in our pajamas, birthdays and fun little surprises just because.  It has been hard to create a new life without all of those dreams.  I have had to come to accept the fact that I am 40 and single.  I may never be a wife or a mother so those dreams may never happen.  People who have never been in my place do not understand how difficult this is.  They will say they understand but they really don’t.  It is not easy in a world where you are surrounded by families.  When the religion you belong to emphasis family as the most important part of life.  Yes I have a family.  I have parent and siblings but I may never have a family of my own.  I may never have a husband and children of my own and I may never have grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I often feel lost and worthless during these lessons and discussions. 

So what do you do when all of your dreams are shattered or stalled.  You create new dreams.  This is where I have struggled for several years.  As a child and young woman all of my dreams involved being a wife and a mother.  I never wanted to be a career woman.  To be honest I didn’t want to work outside of the home.  I wanted my job to be cooking, taking care of the house and raising a family.   I went ahead and got my Associates Degree.  I had to work to pay my bills.  After getting my degree I was still single so I decided to choose something where I could make some more money.  Medicine always fascinated me but I did not want to be a nurse or doctor.  I chose to work on the Administration side.  I went back to school and got my Medical Administration certificate.  I have been in this field for 16 years now.   I enjoy it.  My job is not hard.  It is flexible and unique.  However, it is just a job.  I go to work at the same place every day and basically do the same thing day in and day out.  I needed an outlet where I could have fun.  The first 10 years after graduating from high school were full because I was part of two great singles wards.  I had many friends.  I watched as most of them got married and started families. I still hoped I would have that opportunity.  At age 32 I was kicked out of the young single adult ward.  Too old and not married! I moved back in with my parents briefly and attended the family ward.  I felt so lost.  People don’t know what to do or what to say to someone who is single at 32 and living with their parents.  I decided I needed to move out on my own.  I finally had the opportunity to do just that and lived on my own for three years.  Two years ago I moved back to my parents to help my mom while she went through cancer treatments.  So now at 40 I am still at home with my parents and again I am feeling lost so I am back to creating new dreams and making new plans.  This is the next part of my journey and as I travel life in the single world I hope to share bits and pieces of that life with anyone who wants to listen and read.  I hope I can be an example and inspiration to someone who is in the same place as I am right now.