The Single Life - Children

One of the hardest parts of being single at 40 is that I have not had the opportunity to have children.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I love being around children.  They are happy and full of life. Plus I am still a child at heart. Luckily I have had many opportunities in my life to be surrounded by children of all ages.  I have taught in Primary at my church.  My favorite age groups have been when I taught the 5 year old class and now the 7 and 8 year old class.  It is such a joy to be around children who know that our Father in Heaven loves them.  They love to learn and just want to be loved.

I have also been lucky to be an aunt.  I have a 10 year old nephew, 7 year old niece and 10 month old niece.  They are my life.  I love them as if they were my own.  When my nephew was born I had Wednesday's off from work and he would come over almost every Wednesday to play with my mom and I.  I really got close to him. He gave me my first nickname.  He called me ChiChi (pronounced  cheechee) for the first three years.  He stopped suddenly one day and started calling me Lisa. I miss my nickname.  He calls me ChiChi once in a while and it always makes me smile when he says it.  We are still extremely close.  We enjoy playing video games together and he talks to me about all of the books he has read.  My niece is my mini me.  She looks a lot like me and often when we are together people think she is my daughter.  She is quick to say I am actually her aunt and it is a compliment.  Just this week she told me I was her BFF (best friend forever).  We love to talk about Disney princesses, play Fairy games and sing songs together.  I haven't had as much time to spend with my new niece but I know I will as she gets older.  She is a doll.  She just learned to crawl and she recognizes me when she sees me now. 

Even though I have not had the chance to have children of my own I have been blessed to have children in my life.  I have come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to have a biological child.  I am getting older and my illness (PCOS) could also complicate things if I were to get married and try to have a child.  I hope that one day if I do have the opportunity to be married that either he will have children that I can love as my own or that we can adopt a child who needs a family.  Regardless I have children in my life that I love, who have blessed my life and who I can also bless and nurture in other ways. 

Staycation Weekend

I took a few days off work over Memorial Day weekend.  We had planned to go out of town but discovered it was too expensive.  So we came up with some things around Salt Lake City that either we had not done or just love to do. 

Friday May 23

I slept in.  I have not been sleeping well the past few months so it was nice to get a little extra sleep.  I know you can't catch up on missed sleep but this extra sleep really helped me.  Later in the afternoon I went shopping with my mom.  I found a couple cute new summer shirts and got a great deal on them.  In the evening I worked a little on last week's organizing project.  I will post about that next.  I went to bed a little earlier than normal which was surprising to me since I had slept in but I was exhausted.

Saturday May 24

Today was the first day of planned events.  My parents and youngest brother went to see X-Men: Days of Future Past.  It was so good.  I haven't mentioned it before but I am a big fan of Marvel comics movies.  After the movie we went back home to pick up my sister.  We stopped by the cemetery to visit my Grandma and Grandpa Mallory's grave. I miss them so much.  I am grateful to have the knowledge that I will see them again one day.  After visit grandma and grandpa we headed downtown to DP Cheesesteaks for lunch.  Yummy!  After lunch we went to the Leonardo museum to see the Animal Inside Out exhibit.  It was an odd exhibit but I enjoyed it.  If you are squeamish it is not an exhibit you will enjoy since you see the insides of animals.  It is very well done and didn't gross me out one bit.  I am fascinated by the anatomy of both our bodies and animals bodies.  I have studied medicine and took an anatomy class in college so I wasn't seeing anything new.  I am glad that we went to lunch first though.

Sunday May 25

Just a normal Sunday.  I went to church and taught my Primary class.  I spent the rest of the day relaxing. 

Monday May 26

Another planned event day.  We went swimming at our neighborhood pool with the entire family.  After swimming for a couple hours we were all very hungry so we had a small BBQ.  Then we went to Leatherby's ice cream restaurant for yummy dessert.  We came back to my parents house and visited and played with the kids. 

Tuesday May 27

Movie day again.  My parents, my younger brother and I finished off the Staycation by seeing Captain America: The Winter Soldier. 

It was a wonderful weekend.  I was able to forget about work and just relax.  I enjoy spending time with my family.  We had a great time and I didn't even mind that we didn't go out of town. 

Training Update - Week 17

Sunday May 18--Fitbit log 3,746 steps

Monday May 19--1.52 miles 26:18 min Fitbit log 9,388 steps  (lunch break at work)

Tuesday May 20--Fitbit log 11,052 steps

Wednesday May 21-1.82 miles 31:18 min Fitbit log 10,413 steps

Thursday May 22-- 1.00 miles 20:06 min Fitbit log 8,868 steps

Friday May 23--Fitbit log 9,125 steps

Saturday May 24--3.30 miles 55:36 min Fitbit log 13,302 steps

Organizing Moment of the Week

These posts are more for me than for anyone else.  I have 32 organizing projects I want to complete this year and I thought it would be fun to blog about the projects and if I remember, post before and after pictures.  I think it will keep me motivated to complete the projects if I have to post about them so here we go.

Last week my organizing task was my nightstand.  I chose a simple project to start off my Organization Projects.  My nightstand has become a catch all in my bedroom.  I had several books that I would start but never finish sitting on the small shelf and on top of the night stand.  It is where I charge my phone, my sports watch, my Fitbit and my iPod each night so there were cords dangling in every direction.  There was an alarm clock that I don’t use taking up space and magazines piling up all around.  When  you walk in my bedroom your eyes go straight to the night stand and it was a cluttered mess.  So I decided to tackle the mess and make it look pleasant. 

I removed the alarm clock that I wasn't using and set up a charging station.  It helps maintain all of the cords for my devices.  I put only the books I am currently reading and using on the shelf.  The only part of the nightstand that was organized before was the drawer so I didn't have to change anything there.  

 

                                                                      Nightstand Before

 
 
 
                                                                          Nightstand After

 
 
 
                                                                                The drawer

The Single Life-Change in Plans

As many of you know I am single.  Never been married, never been engaged (close but not officially), never had children and most of the time I am okay with it.  I don’t mind being on my own.  I don’t mind doing things alone.  I lived entirely on my own for 3 years and loved it.  Yes I got lonely and yes I had a couple nights where I was anxious but for the most part I loved living by myself.   For the past two years I have lived with my parents and two of my siblings again.  It hasn’t been all that bad but I really miss my apartment.  My private life. 

The one thing about being single that has been the hardest are all of the plans I had made for my future life as a young adult.  I imagined a family having FHE nights and going on little vacations together.  I imagined creating our own holiday traditions and preparing for the school year each year.  I thought of story time before bed each night.  Preparing dinner together as a family and eating together most nights as we talked about the day with each other.  First day of school photos, Christmas morning in our pajamas, birthdays and fun little surprises just because.  It has been hard to create a new life without all of those dreams.  I have had to come to accept the fact that I am 40 and single.  I may never be a wife or a mother so those dreams may never happen.  People who have never been in my place do not understand how difficult this is.  They will say they understand but they really don’t.  It is not easy in a world where you are surrounded by families.  When the religion you belong to emphasis family as the most important part of life.  Yes I have a family.  I have parent and siblings but I may never have a family of my own.  I may never have a husband and children of my own and I may never have grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I often feel lost and worthless during these lessons and discussions. 

So what do you do when all of your dreams are shattered or stalled.  You create new dreams.  This is where I have struggled for several years.  As a child and young woman all of my dreams involved being a wife and a mother.  I never wanted to be a career woman.  To be honest I didn’t want to work outside of the home.  I wanted my job to be cooking, taking care of the house and raising a family.   I went ahead and got my Associates Degree.  I had to work to pay my bills.  After getting my degree I was still single so I decided to choose something where I could make some more money.  Medicine always fascinated me but I did not want to be a nurse or doctor.  I chose to work on the Administration side.  I went back to school and got my Medical Administration certificate.  I have been in this field for 16 years now.   I enjoy it.  My job is not hard.  It is flexible and unique.  However, it is just a job.  I go to work at the same place every day and basically do the same thing day in and day out.  I needed an outlet where I could have fun.  The first 10 years after graduating from high school were full because I was part of two great singles wards.  I had many friends.  I watched as most of them got married and started families. I still hoped I would have that opportunity.  At age 32 I was kicked out of the young single adult ward.  Too old and not married! I moved back in with my parents briefly and attended the family ward.  I felt so lost.  People don’t know what to do or what to say to someone who is single at 32 and living with their parents.  I decided I needed to move out on my own.  I finally had the opportunity to do just that and lived on my own for three years.  Two years ago I moved back to my parents to help my mom while she went through cancer treatments.  So now at 40 I am still at home with my parents and again I am feeling lost so I am back to creating new dreams and making new plans.  This is the next part of my journey and as I travel life in the single world I hope to share bits and pieces of that life with anyone who wants to listen and read.  I hope I can be an example and inspiration to someone who is in the same place as I am right now.

Training Recap - Week 16

I missed one day of my training this week and most of my running/walking was done indoors walking in place in front of my TV.  I just don't have the same motivation I had when I started this.  I am frustrated with myself and I know I need to work harder.  It's just so hard when I am tired all the time because I am not sleeping well at night.  I just come home from work and crash.  I wish I was a morning person and could get up and exercise in the morning.  I know I would do so much better if I got my exercise done in the morning.  I am really going to try and do better because I want to succeed at this.  I know I have many people cheering me on and I appreciate the support so much.  I don't want to let anyone down.  I am going to finish this Half Marathon and hopefully in the process get healthier and lose some weight.   

Sunday May 11--Fitbit log 4,799 steps

Monday May 12--2.36 miles 33:26 min Fitbit log 10,260 steps 

Tuesday May 13--Fitbit log 4,606 steps

Wednesday May 14-Fitbit log 3,965 steps

Thursday May 15-- 2.21 miles 31:32 min Fitbit log 10,433 steps

Friday May 16--1.63 miles 26:18 min Fitbit log 10,445 steps

Saturday May 17--Fitbit log 3,698 steps

Training Recap - Week 15

Sunday May 4--Fitbit log 2,572 steps

Monday May 5--1.63 miles 26:18 min Fitbit log 9,341 steps 

Tuesday May 6--2.36 miles 33:28 min Fitbit log 11,145 steps

Wednesday May 7--Fitbit log 3,916 steps

Thursday May 8-- 1.52 miles 29:06 min Fitbit log 10,095 steps

Friday May 9--1.31 miles 24:55 min Fitbit log 10,290 steps

Saturday May 10--Fitbit log 10,447 steps

Training Recap - Week 14

I need a motivational kick in the pants.  I have had a tough couple of weeks.  My training has been horrible especially this week.  I only walked on Saturday but I did two workouts so that made up for one of the missed days.  I haven't been feeling well and I am also not sleeping well right now.  I am hoping for a better week next week.   

Sunday April 27--Fitbit log 128 steps (charging day for the Fitbit)

Monday April 28--Fitbit log 4,627 steps 

Tuesday April 29--Fitbit log 4,624 steps

Wednesday April 30--Fitbit log 3,535 steps

Thursday May 1-- Fitbit log 5,058 steps

Friday May 2--Fitbit log 5,516 steps

Saturday May 3--3.80 miles Total 48:10 min (I walked twice today.) Fitbit log 10,238 steps